How do you feel??

It's the question of the hour 9 months.

Friends, neighbors, and family (and strangers) all want to know.  JulieSue, how are you feeling?!  And they expect the standard answer.  So I oblige.  "I feel pretty well."

But, do you really want to know how I feel?  Like, really and truly? 

Alright, then I'll tell ya.

I'm constipated.

My nipples could cut glass. 

I am a discharge factory.

I have to pee.  Oh wait, I have to pee again.

I am awake at night more than I am asleep.

I fart all day long.  And the smell is nauseating.  Well okay, I like it, but you don't. 

I have zits.

My ass has already doubled in size.

I am a hairy beast.

I can smell your breath from here.

My gums bleed when I brush my teeth.

I sweat through my sheets at night.

I'm glowing. My skin is so dry it is flaking off.

I look fat, not pregnant.  Stop lying.  (And I hate when you glance at my gut and tell me I look good.) 

Oh, and the hemorrhoids are back.  Lovely.

So how am I feeling?  Thank you so much for asking.  I'm feeling great!